Unity

First a thought: is it really a blog if you never write anything in it?

I should be working right now. In fact I should be going at it hell for leather, we are behind on pages for the new issue and I am the only person in the office. However, given that I’ve just been made redundant (or in 30 days anyway) my motivation levels are somewhat lacking.

It’s been an extremely busy summer since I last sat down and posted anything on this blog. Many nights danced away till sunrise; fond farewells to close friends; tearful goodbyes to the best of friends; new friends made; more nights danced out till sunrise and through till sunset; degree results; new jobs; lost jobs; lost time on the underground; lost minds at festivals; moving out; homelessness; and finally homes found. I even found time for one wedding, one funeral and any minute now two of my dearest friends will welcome one new addition to their family. Yes, it’s been a busy old time, and that’s barely the half of it.

A time to breathe and take stock then, before the rollercoaster drops for a new seasonal cycle of twists ‘n’ turns and loop-the-loops. I have always found these carnival rides terrifying, but life much less so. Change offers the chance for new beginnings and we all have not only our own strength to carry us through, but also that of our friends – should we chose to accept it. Sometimes we are brave enough to throw our arms in the air and feel the wind rush through our fingers with reckless and exhilarating abandon. Other times we’d sooner hold on to ourselves for dear life. Better still to have someone you love by your side holding onto you – it’s never as scary as it seems, and certainly not as scary when you are two.

I should be working right now, but I have some things to say that need to be said. Not for anyone to hear, but simply because our heads become such a jumble of junk over the days and weeks that our guiding clarity becomes cloudy like a fog rolling quietly off highland hills, encroaching on before finally consuming a peaceful loch. Silently it creeps without us even noticing, until suddenly we find ourselves in Camden on a 24-hour bender, down to our boxers and preparing to leap into a filthy canal lock from a footbridge. Trust me, these things happen.

Earlier this year I attempted to build a utopia based on the principles contained within my newly created Big Red Book™, home to the Constitution of Knowledge© (to be explored at a later date perhaps). Four pints and much discussion later, my utopia had turned into a totalitarian state with Gitmo style internment camps et al. (the camps were meant to be re-patriotising camps, but after a slip of the tongue became re-patronising camps – what’s the difference really?) and in the process I had somehow become a non-physical, immortal deity. See what happens when you attempt mass social experiments. What was I trying to do and what was I thinking? I’m not sure, but I know my clumsy, romantic idealism had something to do with it and had only the best of intentions. But as we all know, good intentions do not a good war make.

My world has changed inexorably this past year, as many of the years in my life that have long since passed like driftwood under the bridge of time. Everything, for a while, seemed to have gotten that little bit darker (skip this par if you want avoid such things – but that’s half my point, only by facing it can we do anything about it). Ponderings of uncertain futures and an erratic backstroke going nowhere in particular. The loneliness of a world straining to hold itself together, willingly intoxicated by hyperreality gone mad: stuff, stuff and more stuff. The illusion of sustainable development is an emotional human consideration as much as it is an environmental concern. We live in a world overflowing with pain compensated by the nonsensical ecstasy of escapism in every form imaginable. Thoughts of everything become thoughts of nothing and vice versa. Commitment to anything seems simultaneously futile and necessary. Dark thoughts indeed, and you have my apologies.

But I have something to say, I think (therefore I am?), and if nothing else I am determined to live a life without wasted windows of thought. I guess what I want to say is that through all the darkness there is always a silver lining if we can only open our eyes wide enough to let the light in. A shining promise of better things and a promise of greater fulfilment without resentment awaits us if only we would allow ourselves to see such a thing. Happiness to be savoured and enjoyed. Friends and family to be loved. Experiences to be shared.

What brought all this on? Well, for a start I really miss writing, and my spiritual wellbeing is poorer for the dearth of qwerty expressionism (I could have picked up my journal but who uses a pen and paper anymore when we have disposable digits? Perhaps if I had a quill…). For what my two pennies are worth (1/50 of a pound right?) I just want to share my mind for those who wonder why I spend some much time daydreaming and why sometimes I splurge out words like they’re going out of fashion and at others share none at all.

I don’t think these passages contain any revelations or insight that you haven’t heard before. Nor do I expect anyone to understand me any better for reading them. It’s just a way of remembering that life is so fucking precious and holding on to the fact that I am one lucky soul. Today I woke up and discovered it was a brand new day with a million opportunities. Tomorrow I move into my new flat with two of the best people I have the privilege of calling pals. And in two weeks I fly to Athens to see people I love very much. What will November bring I ask? What new world will I encounter in 2007? The silver-lined sky is the limit and my optimism is doggedly irrepressible and insanely never-ending. All we need is a little clarity. It’s there right in front of us, so close that if we open our mouth and take a deep breath we can taste the tingling thrill of the unknown dancing on our tastebuds. For these things I am grateful and thankful. We all know it could be oh so very different. We are the lucky ones. It’s been a long time since I last wrote like this.

And so with that I expose myself (in the non-freaky sense) to friends past and present. Be well, stay in touch, eat, drink and be merry. New worlds are only ever around the corner if we are brave enough to turn and face the darkness. You might find that you are faced by a spectrum of colours, a pot of gold, or just someone new to love. And that, my friends, is something I have for you all.

Ps. Thanks to Sam for the picture. This is the view from that lucky boy's place of work...